Relationships can be fragile. This is true cross various types of relationships: between children and parents, between couples, and even between a leader and her team. Even so, relationships are easily strengthened by little things.
John and Julie Gottman, relationship researchers, refer to one of the most significant “little things” as a bid for connection. A “bid” is big or small, verbal or non-verbal. It can be a question to start a conversation or even just a sigh but each one is a request to be seen and valued – it is someone saying please pay attention to me.
Over their 40 years of research the Gottmans found that relationship “masters” – couples who were still happily married – responded to their partner’s bids and simply chose to pay attention 86% of the time. By putting down the phone, closing a book or literally turning to face the other, and choosing to engaging they were able to build trust, strengthen emotional connection, and increase passion. On the other hand, the relationship “disasters” – couples who were no longer together – responded to their partner’s bids only 33% of the time.
When a parent shows a child that he is paying attention through proper responsiveness, it provides security and facilitates learning. Research shows that supportive and responsive parenting in early childhood may even mitigate the effects of adverse life events and stress later in a child’s life. Even among children who experienced poverty, MRI brain scans showed that early responsive caregiving encouraged proper brain growth and buffered poor health outcomes later in life.
In the workplace, a responsive leader focuses on the people within an organization. Remembering that the team is made of up of real people, this kind of leader may use various techniques and skills but they are all in an effort to better know, understand, and appreciate the humans who work to make the business go. A responsive leader views curiosity, empathy, humility, and resilience as integral to the way he or she responds in an effort to build trust and confidence with others in the organization.
Whether bids are made at home, in school, or at work the goal is to build trust by recognizing our universal need for human connection. Leaders see each gesture as an opportunity and understands that consistency is key.