Q: How do I transform my unhealthy boundaries to clear ones?
A: First, it may be helpful to realize that it’s common for people to go back and forth between rigid and porous boundaries. Weak boundaries can lead to getting hurt, and then overcompensating with rigid boundaries for protection. It is also possible to have weak boundaries with some people and rigid boundaries with others – they also may be different at work than at home. It is also conceivable to just have a random mix of the two.
Whatever your unique blend happens to be, it is possible to move center toward healthy, clear boundaries.
Some steps to clarity include: 1. Start with self-reflection so you have a good understanding of what you need your boundaries to accomplish: physical, emotional, time, sexual, intellectual, financial, or material boundaries.
2. Begin to use assertive language to state what you need to prevent overextending or overcommitting yourself and feeling used or becoming resentful. Keep in mind that being assertive does not make you “mean”; the goal is to preserve a relationship by making it healthy long-term.
3. Remain flexible, knowing that you can loosen up or tighten a boundary as needed. Making adjustments does not imply failure; success requires adaptability which means you can change in order to suit different conditions.
4. When you realize that your boundary is too far in either direction, just move it a tiny bit at first in the appropriate direction. Growth is often incremental rather than radical.
5. Learn to trust your judgment, knowing that you likely won’t get it right at the beginning and that it’s okay. #leadership #growth #boundaries #leadclearly