Blaming another person for your own emotions, or taking responsibility for someone else’s is irrational. Science tells us that our own interpretation of an event combined with our personal self-talk determines our emotions. That helps explain why we can say the same thing, the same way, to different people and see various reactions.
It may be difficult to master our emotions, but falling for The Myth of Causation doesn’t make it the true cause. Unfortunately, leaning into this myth can be damaging to ourselves and others we care about.
Believing that you have the power to make someone mad may prevent you from being honest about your own feelings. For example, you may highly value being on time, but your friend is frequently late; this time her lateness has caused you to miss an important event. Taking responsibility for your own emotions could empower you to adjust your expectations (since you know your friend is often late), or simply arrange to meet at the event so you can manage your own schedule and arrive on time.
To preserve the relationship, you may need to talk to your friend about her behavior, but if you believe you can make her mad, you may choose to withhold in an effort protect her feelings. It’s probable that suppressing your feelings will lead to further frustration and resentment – you may even grow to dislike her because of this habit. The friendship likely won’t last long-term if you can’t speak openly and honestly.
If your friend believes her defensive feelings about you speaking up are your fault, it could stunt her own growth as she’s prevented from recognizing her power to gain control over her anger. She may never face the true cause and address her own belief system and self-talk.
On the other hand, if you blame your friend because you are mad that she is late, you also are denying that you’re likely really upset about violating your own beliefs about the importance of being on time.
Over the years, I’ve realized that I am most comfortable around people who take full responsibility for their emotions and trust me to do the same. We are free to speak into each other’s lives and we can make decisions that align with our respective belief systems. Negative feelings don’t build up and precious time isn’t wasted on a no-win blame game.
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